Wanted: Counsel/ Advice on Obedience!

Hola Familia,

I love you a lot. 

Good thing Heavenly Father has trust-worthy judgement!

I don’t really know what’s going to happen for the rest of my mission, because it’s like I don't really have investigators anymore.  Instead, all of the missionaries are my investigators. During my last transfer, I was thinking I was going to have to get good at learning to push myself to use numbers to meet goals (which I wasn’t very good at) and at the same time try to focus on the people and not the numbers. And then Heavenly Father takes away the numbers. And I felt like I was just learning how to cope and compromise with companions and felt like I still had a lot of work to do and…Whoop!  Heavenly Father takes away the companions. I sure don’t know what He’s thinking, but I do trust He knows better than me.

One thing I know I’m going to have to figure out is obedience.  I feel a sense of déja vu because it’s like my obedience-battle from my very first transfer. Does anybody know what it means to be obedient?? I feel like my struggle in decision-making isn’t usually “Will I do the right thing?” but instead, “What in the world is the right thing?” There is so much push and push and push to be exactly obedient, and not think about making exceptions because that would be trusting in your own judgment.  But the reason I want to make exceptions isn’t to do bad things, it’s to do better things. Rules are just really inconvenient.

I wonder if Paul was trying to explain to the Jews “If the Gentiles aren't already living the Law of Moses, don’t make them live it! It’s not a big deal! Why would you subject them to something heavy and burdensome if they don't need it?” Sometimes I feel that way with the mission rules, too, that they are just burdensome. He said “If you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” The problem is I can’t make exceptions because I’m now a very public example. If I do something, it means everyone else can do it too. 

Sigh.

Maybe I just need to humble myself and do everything I’m told to do without question. Or maybe I’m actually right, and it’s better to live a higher law-- that EXACT obedience isn’t letter-of-the-law obedience, but doing exactly what Heavenly Father wants (which sometimes isn’t exactly within what is written in the manual). But who gets to make that call, of being able to discern what He wants?

If people could pray or send ideas to help me figure it out, that would be great. It’s something that bugs me a lot.

Oh, Mum, I think about your hip a lot. I hope you’re getting better. Bup, I think about you a lot because I don’t know how you're doing. But I love you a lot.

I love you all a lot.

Sincerely,

Hermana Ludlam